guilt, shame, and stereotypes

Photo by Peter Boccia on Unsplash

The topic of guilt comes up often at our bipolar support group meetings.

The newly diagnosed and those who have long lived with the condition alike are both prone to bouts of guilt over their condition and their symptoms.  I am no exception. I am afflicted with guilt at times of insecurity or vulnerability, usually brought on by stress.

At our last meeting, I asked, “Is it guilt or is it shame?” Is there a difference and does it matter? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

guilt

Having a mental health condition is not a character flaw or a personal failure. It is not an offense we committed. I reject guilt.

Shame is more complex. Shame is something I can’t help but carry. Every day, I’m in an internal battle against shame.

“…you can’t advocate for yourself if you won’t admit what you are.” -Lindy West

When I was hiding my condition, I remained silent and complacent. When a colleague complained that her boss is acting bipolar, I could not respond. I could not say, “That’s not the way it works. I know, because I actually live with bipolar disorder.”

I could not explain that just as “retarded” and “gay” are inappropriate, offensive ways to describe something or someone negatively, “bipolar” or any other clinical term for a mental health condition is also an inappropriate way to describe someone who does not have a mental health diagnosis, but is just annoying today.

Because I was in hiding due to my own shame, I could not ask for more sensitivity. I could not share the statistic that according to the World Health Organization, “One in four people in the world will be affected by mental or neurological disorders at some point in their lives.”

As a society, we have widely accepted that stereotypes are harmful and wrong, but people who have bipolar disorder are still painted in a broad strokes as selfish, narcissistic, destructive, irresponsible, unreliable, volatile, even violent. We are stereotyped as a burden and a liability. We are viewed as people who can’t take care of ourselves, let alone our children and our families. For years, I let these presumptions eat away at my self-esteem.

I am here to declare these stereotypes do not fit me.

I am here to shatter these stereotypes because everyone living with this mental health condition is different. Using the cancer analogy again – not all cancers are the same. Cancer patients react to treatments differently, even if it’s the same type of cancer. Why is it so much harder to understand that the same can be true for mental health conditions? Some are lucky enough to go into remission and become cancer survivors. Others may lose the battle because the treatments have not worked. I challenge everyone to think about bipolar disorder or other mental illnesses the same way they would think about cancer, to literally replace the words to see if we can think about mental health illnesses with less stigma.

There are more people like me, who have kept this part of themselves secret because of the destructive stereotypes that have us hiding in shame, further building the stigma, because we stay silent while society spins a harmful, inaccurate image of what a person with bipolar disorder looks like.  Most of us, like those with physical chronic conditions, are doing our best to live well.

The prevalence of cancer and mental health disorders is actually rather similar:

• The lifetime probability of being diagnosed with cancer is a little more than 1 in 3. (American Cancer Society)
• 1 in 4 people in the world will be affected by mental or neurological disorders at some point in their lives. (WHO)

I want to help build and live in a society that shows as much compassion for those living with and surviving mental health conditions as we show for our loved-ones living with and surviving cancer.